Three Little Marauders
by gods sent angel
Summary: A retelling of The Three Little Kittens. What have I done? Rated T for the disturbing imagery of verse three.


Sirius stared at the thin picture book before him, perplexed. Remus noted the scene with amusement; he had always thought Sirius at least had a fifth grade reading level, and voiced such; receiving a withered glare form the raven haired boy in return.

"It's not that I can't read it," he had answered finally, "it's that it doesn't make sense. I mean," he gestured at the book absently with a tilt of his head, "I can understand that it's a muggle book, and so the pictures don't move, but how on earth do a bunch talking, walking, mitten obsessed cats have anything to do with muggle studies?" Remus snorted out a laugh and tried to regain his composure before replying to this interesting new explanation of 'The Three Little Kittens.'

"Padfoot," he said when calm, it's the moral behind the story parents want their kids to learn, not the obscurity of bipedal cats."

"What's the moral, then?" Sirius asked haughtily. Remus looked down his nose at him in a disapproving manner.

"Padfoot, you're supposed to figure that out for yourself," he reprimanded. When Sirius didn't seem deterred, or even as if he understood, the tawny haired boy sighed and moved over to the other boy's bed. "Fine," he grumbled, "let me retell it another way and see if you get it."

And so he started.

Three marauders, they lost their knickers, and they began to whine:

"Moony, man, help if you can; our knickers we have lost."

"Lost your knickers?" he asked the others, "Now on Snape you can't spy."

"NO! NO! NO! NO! On Snape we can't spy."

"Why did we repeat ourselves so much?" Sirius queried.

"Because that's the way Mother Goose wrote it," Remus sighed. This was really getting no where.

"This Mother Goose wrote about us?" Sirius yelped. "Merlin, that's creepy."

"No, you tit," Remus rebuked, "she 'The Three Little Kittens' like that." Rolling his eyes he muttered: "Honestly."

Three marauders, they found their knickers, and they began to cry:

"Moony, dude; you sneak, you prude! Our knickers we just found."

"What found already?" he said quite steady, "I guess on Snape we spy."

"YES! YES! YES! YES! On Snape we get to spy!"

"Sounds orgasmic," Sirius snorted and Remus held back a blush. He had thought the same thing and had to fight off an ista-boner at the image of Sirius screaming in ecstasy for him. To divert further thought he quickly continued the…"poem." If you could really call the bull shit he was spewing poetry.

Three little prankers, they saw Albus' wanker and they began to scream:

"Moony, God! That's wrong and gross, his wanker we did see."

"Saw his wanker!? You kinky prankers. Now Pomfrey you must see."

"Yes, please. Take these; the mental images of doom."

"You are one sick bastard, Moony," Sirius grimaced.

"Would you let me finish?" Remus snapped. Where had that bit about Dumbledore come from? And what's more; did he really want to know? Pushing the thought from his head he continued.

Three marauders made Remus dinner and let him study in peace.

"All this for me?" he asked with glee. "Why thanks, you three! Now I smell a prank coming on."

Grin, glint, snicker, plot; I see a prank coming on.

"A little delusional there, eh Moony?" Sirius snickered. Remus glared at him scathingly, but Sirius didn't seem to notice. After his laughter had died down he sat back on his bed again and frowned. " But I don't see how any of that had the slightest thing to do with three cats who talk, wear clothes, and are obsessed with mittens," he huffed.

"It's not about the bloody cats!" Remus fumed. This was getting no where, and on top of that he had just made up the most God awful and utterly embarrassing rhyme using a muggle children's verse. He hadn't even come close to the mark of what he had been trying for, and was sorely disappointed in himself, even if it were a seat-of-the-pants sort of thing.

"Whatever, Moony," Sirius muttered as he settled down in to a sleeping position. "Go dream about this dinner we all make you. See you in the morning."

Remus did dream of that imaginary party, and he also dreamed of the even more imaginary private party that took place afterwards between him and Sirius. When he awoke he sighed. That was one dream that would never come true. At breakfast he sat, half awake, until a hand thumped his back heavily. Spitting out a little bit of his hash browns in surprise he looked up to see Sirius grinning at him with that ever-so-dashing smile he used to wile hapless gits into doing what he wanted.

"So," he asked, taking the seat beside the now wide awake werewolf, "what was the moral of that story? I need to write a report on it before Muggle Studies." Remus rolled his eyes and ignored


End file.
